A little something refreshing
by Bookjunk
Summary: At Alicia's promotion party Kalinda discovers Zach still has a crush on her. Set four years after the season 2 finale.
1. Staring problem

**Chapter 1: Staring problem**

She had found him, for lack of a better word, amusing. He was like a kid, he _was_ a kid. Sometimes, from afar, she could enjoy the antics of children, but up close they soon became annoying. Zach's crush would have been considered cute by anyone else, but Kalinda did not do cute. She did not like cute, she had no need for cute. Cute could fuck off for all she cared. Being the object of his affection did not interest her nor did she want him to think of her as a friend. She was done with friends. Moreover, she had no desire to ever be, or even act like, a mother; it simply wasn't in her nature. There was absolutely nothing she wanted from him, except to be left alone.

'It seems you still have that staring problem,' she whispered out of the corner of her mouth. They were in the back of the living room and the others were a safe distance away. Out of hearing distance anyway, but she did not want to run the risk of embarrassing him by having someone overhear her. A blush developed on his face and he looked at her with those wide and innocent eyes. It felt like she was standing in the middle of the road and the glaring headlights of a truck coming towards here were blinding her. Or she was about to perform on stage and the big spotlight was trained on her, but she could not remember her lines or her dance routine or whatever. It was simply unacceptable that a teenage boy could make her experience this sort of unpleasantness. She was not road kill or a pathetic Idols wannabe. She was Kalinda.

'What?' he whispered back. His whisper was far less inconspicuous than hers had been, mostly because he was trying so hard to appear inconspicuous. The only thing missing was nonchalant whistling. She rolled her eyes, but made sure he couldn't see it and sighed. Whatever ideas he was entertaining, they needed to be shut down right now. Sipping her wine, she glanced at Will, Diane, Eli and Alicia, who were seated on the couch and surrounding chairs. Grace was in the kitchen. Good.

'I'm sure you're a nice boy, but you need to stop staring at me,' she answered matter-of-factly and perhaps a bit louder than necessary. She was attempting to strike a balance between being clear and being nice and despite the delicacy of this particular attitude she was largely successful. Still, she could not help but be concerned. Under no circumstances did she want him to mention her to his mother. Whether he would say she had been mean to him or nice hardly mattered. Kalinda did not want to upset or hurt Alicia any more than she already had.

Perhaps she should have ignored it and not said anything, but she had felt his eyes follow her through the room. It had been like this the one time she had been over at Alicia's house, but things had been better then. Being subjected to his intense gaze a second time, after everything that had happened between her and Alicia, she discovered she was no longer amused. The feeling of being constantly watched was setting her teeth on edge.

Alicia and Kalinda had worked through their issues and they were on friendly terms again. Yet, they both knew they would never go back to being friends. What they had now was fragile and tentative at best and truth be told they had been unable to regain the trust that had been lost. At work there were no problems and occasionally Kalinda would catch Alicia smiling at something she had said, but the fact that Alicia never allowed herself to be openly amused at one of Kalinda's offhand but scathing comments spoke volumes.

They were working on a case right now and the pressure was showing on all of them. The news was on and they were all watching it, which accounted for the fact that no one had heard the little exchange taking place between Kalinda and Zach. Security footage was shown of their client leaving the site where her children were murdered and though the images were grainy they could all see the blood on her coat.

'Damn!' Will said and Diane shook her head. One minute they had been having a small celebration because of Alicia's promotion and next their case was quite possibly in ruins. Eli calmly sipped his wine and remarked, in that sardonic manner that Kalinda admired, 'You've got to love the media. How did they even get a hold of that tape?'

A quick glance between Will and Alicia did not escape Kalinda's notice, but she pretended not to have seen it. It was on all their minds, but nobody said it. This was not only because Zach and Grace were present; though that had something to do with it. Alicia was always trying to protect them. Nonetheless, they were smart kids. They had undoubtedly noticed their father's proclivity to pursue suspects with Lockhart/Gardner/Gold lawyers just a little bit harder than clients of other firms. Kalinda had known from the beginning that Peter was a dangerous man, but somehow she had not expected him to be this petty.

Then again, why shouldn't he be? Will and Alicia had been caught spending the night in a hotel room around the same time Peter finally became State Attorney. The media had milked it for all it was worth and Peter had been the most damaged by the scandal, because it soon became clear that Alicia had left him for good reasons. Kalinda's name was never mentioned, not even the other one, and she was grateful for that. To Peter's frustration Alicia had managed to forgive Kalinda but not him. To top it off, Eli joined Lockhart/Gardner, becoming a senior partner pretty soon afterwards. Kalinda had been present when Eli had told Peter in no uncertain terms that if Alicia ever wanted to run for governor he would gladly be her campaign manager, but he refused to be Peter's again.

So, Peter, aided by Cary, had come down hard on Lockhart/Gardner clients. They lost business because of that in the beginning. However, Cary had soon tired of the game and had left for greener pastures when receiving a lucrative job offer from a big firm. Peter's bias was so obvious that judges started to side with Lockhart/Gardner and there was a moment when Peter was almost forced to resign. He had recovered miraculously and since then his petty games had been of a subtler nature. Still, the chance of Peter being re-elected in this year's election were slim to none.

Kalinda shook herself visibly. It would not do to appear distracted if Will or Diana asked her to investigate something right now. This was hardly the time and place to dwell on the past. She was itching for something to do and pinched herself violently to stay alert. Zach was the only one who seemed to have noticed, but his gaze never wavered far from her. Will, Diane and Alicia were debating the case. Will and Alicia sat next to each other on the couch and Diane, looking regal, occupied a single cushioned chair. Eli had returned to the kitchen and was chatting with Grace. Kalinda could just hear enough to discern that their conversation was centred on religion. For some reason Grace was very interested in religion; she had been severely disappointed when Kalinda had confessed to her during dinner that she was not a Muslim.

Zach was attempting a casual pose against the doorpost. While Kalinda ignored him, she listened to Eli's laughter. She sometimes wondered what it would be like to sleep with Eli. From what she knew of him he seemed a lot like her, but perhaps that was rather more a con than a pro. When she looked over she saw Zach was still staring at her. It was more than annoying, it was unnerving. Her fingers tightened around the glass she was holding.

'Stop it,' she hissed and his composure crumbled. However, he recovered quickly, nodded at her and went over to Alicia. They exchanged a few words and Kalinda was relieved when neither of them glanced at her. He kissed Alicia on her cheek, grabbed his coat and said goodbye to the guests. Shrugging into his long, brown coat he opened the door already, but he paused in the doorway. It was as if he couldn't stop himself. Or as if he didn't _want_ to stop himself. His gaze lingered on Kalinda for a few seconds before he tipped his hat at her. Except he didn't have a hat on to tip at her. The gesture was oddly moving. Then he stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him. The sound of the door closing had an interesting effect on Kalinda. She immediately felt more at ease, but somewhere deep inside her she felt a tinge of regret too.

It was a ridiculous feeling and Kalinda couldn't remember the last time she had felt ridiculous or someone managed to make her feel ridiculous. After some careful consideration, she did. When Cary had said she should have told Alicia about Peter, but Cary was long gone. And before that, Zach, the way he had looked at her the only other time they met. The first time. Well, here goes. To not feeling ridiculous for another four years, she thought and drained her glass.

(***)

The story title and chapter titles are song titles from No Doubt.


	2. Just a girl

**Chapter ****2: Just a girl**

That same night Kalinda hung out with the security guard of the building next to the crime scene. It was a guy in his twenties and she had tried everything, but nothing seemed to be working. Not the husky voice. Not the suggestive smile. Not the slow lip licking. She felt tired and a bit disheartened. Her feigned charm usually worked like, well, a charm, but not tonight. Perhaps she still felt strange, because Zach had managed to rattle her. Inside she was just a girl; Kalinda shuddered at the thought. _Just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her._ What utter bullshit. A smile came to her face as she remembered going to see _Notting Hill_ when she was younger. Her friends had loved it – yes, she had friends back then – and giggled whenever Hugh Grant came on screen. She hadn't even bothered to pretend she liked it. The faux romance and sentimentality of it was nauseating. She bid the security guard goodnight and went outside. The night was dark and the sky was starless as far as everyone in Chicago was concerned.

'I know what you're doing.'

The warm voice in her ear caught her unaware and she slid her hand into her bag and palmed her small handgun. Chiding herself for letting her thoughts distract her and allowing someone the opportunity to sneak up on her, she turned around. It was only Zach. Had he followed her? That was a disturbing thought. That was neither cute nor amusing, but straight up stalker. Her face carefully registered boredom as she regarded him.

'Yes? What's that?' she asked. He leaned against the wall of the building. This time he pulled off the pose. Somehow it was manlier now, and less like a boy trying to impress a girl. He was genuinely relaxed. Her hand let go the gun and she closed her bag. Zach seemed in no hurry to speak. She clenched and unclenched her gloved hands as he watched her. The leather stretched tight over her knuckles and the muscles flexed underneath the fabric.

'Going through life alone. Not trusting anyone, not making any friends, not loving anyone, so no one can hurt you.'

She half smiled, but though she had to look up at him it was a rather condescending smile. Men and women were in the end exactly the same. For some reason they found it much easier to imagine she was a poor lost girl than the cynical woman she actually was. Life had made her that way, and yes, life had been hard. However, she was not looking for someone to help her over her trust issues. She didn't need to be rescued, or cuddled or loved. Least of all by him.

'Ah, is that what I'm doing? I thought I was just doing my job,' she drawled and tried to walk away from him, but he asked her to wait. Before she could say or do anything he had entered the building and through the window she saw him talking to the security guard. After a few minutes Zach ruffled his own hair and she could hear him laugh. The security guard laughed too and went into his booth. He handed whatever it was to Zach and Zach waved at him as he left.

'Here,' he said as he shoved a piece of paper into her hand. She read the note. It was a short notation of the time the guard had seen their client enter and come out of the adjacent building the previous week. The time of death had been set between eight and nine at night and the security footage shown on television had filmed their client leaving the building at a quarter to ten. However, the security camera had been a moving one and her entrance had not been recorded. The note stated she had arrived only at half past nine. This might be what they needed to clear her.

'Thanks,' she said.

'Want to go out on a date with me sometime?' Zach asked and she frowned. His face looked flushed and he suddenly appeared a tad anxious. It had been quick and clever, though; she had to hand him that. After doing her a favour he saw his chance to ask for a favour in return and grabbed it. Unfortunately, he was a boy and Alicia's son at that.

'Well, well, look at you being shrewd,' she scoffed and began to walk. He fell into stride beside her with his hands in his coat pockets. All she could hear was the sound of her heels clicking on the pavement and their breaths. Zach's thread was noiseless; his shoes didn't so much as scuff the concrete. His stride was confident and his long legs moved effortlessly. Meanwhile, her feet were starting to hurt. It had been a long night and she felt worn out. She was not up for the verbal sparring that was about to ensue at any rate; if he was adamant about getting a date out of the deal.

'Not really a boy, am I?' he asserted in response. The night air was cold and when she was sure he wasn't looking she glanced at him. Perhaps she had to revise her opinion about him a little bit. It was true that he did not look eighteen or whatever his age was. He was tall and slender. His hair was short and it looked much better than the Beatles style mop-top he had sported four years ago. When it came down to it she had to admit he was quite attractive. Indeed no longer a boy, but it would not do to tell him that. Nonetheless, he was much too young and doe eyed. Not really her taste.

'Little boys have their moments too,' Kalinda said. She saw him flinch at the offensive adjective: little, but his gaze remained steadily focused on her. Weary, she sighed and asked, 'Are there no girls your age you can harass?'

'They are girls; I want a woman,' he responded quickly. It seemed he had thought this over before, because he needed absolutely no time to formulate an answer. Kalinda considered adolescent fantasies and it was a good thing that she didn't blush easily or she would have at this moment. She knew what fantasies of boys his age were like and to think that she might have been the subject of one of his was flattering and off putting at the same time. Now it was more than a fantasy, because he had asked her out. Everything he did and said made it clear that he was interested in her. He wanted a woman and she was that woman.

'I'll tell you a little secret. Inside, every woman is still just a girl,' she whispered, leaning closer. The intimacy of their physical closeness notwithstanding, he knew she was mocking him. With a disappointed look on his face, he stepped back. When she thought about the conversation later, she realised he had been surprised that she would try to pull that bullshit on him. As if they had a connection, which they hadn't, or were friends, which they weren't. She had no idea why he expected special treatment. Will didn't even get exemption from her caustic wit and he was her boss.

'You're not. I know you're not,' he protested and instantly he had reverted to a boy again. His voice sounded almost hurt and his objection was preposterous, as was his earlier claim to know about her life. He knew nothing about her, except her name and occupation. Since her name was not her actual name and she doubted he understood exactly what her profession entailed, he knew nothing. The conversation was dragging on and she wanted to put on end to it.

'You seem to know a lot. It's becoming a bit tiresome.'

Kalinda added a yawn for calculated extra effect. It worked; Zach immediately fell back. Gone were the attempts to keep up with her and the sideway glances at her legs. Eventually, he stopped altogether and reluctantly she turned around.

'I'm sorry if it is, because I want to get to know you better,' he said sincerely. The meaning of this phrase was not lost on Kalinda. In the world of teenagers it is code for 'I want to get into your pants.' Undoubtedly, that was Zach's intention also, yet she could not shake the feeling that his expression had been heartfelt. He told her it had been nice talking to her, which was a lie and started to walk in the opposite direction. For the second time that night she watched him leave and there was no lingering look from him now. It was Kalinda who faltered.

'How did you get anything out of him?' she called after him and he turned around. Slowly, he approached her. The touch of his hand on her wrist was unexpected. His fingers were warm, despite the cold and his failure to wear gloves. What was even more unexpected was the unfamiliar tingle that she felt at the innocent touch. He leaned closer, his voice a whisper.

'Flirting. It's easy if you don't care. I'm sure you know that.'

He looked at her and for a moment she thought he was going to kiss her. Instead his fingers slipped off her wrist, he mumbled goodnight and left. There had been no judgment in his look, yet, she was left wanting. _I'm sure you know that._ Yes, she did. If she wanted anything, she used her feminine wiles to get it. She always had and she rarely felt ashamed. It was just an easy way of accomplishing her goals. Being made to feel ridiculous and ashamed all in one night, wasn't that great? It must run in the Florrick family.


	3. Bathwater

**Chapter ****3: Bathwater**

A week passed before Kalinda saw Zach again. In the meantime one word she had uttered during their conversation had bothered her. 'Thanks.' It indicated that there was something to be thankful for. He had helped her or whatever you wanted to call it. She had said nothing to Alicia about his assistance. Most people would rather be owed a favour than owe someone else a favour, but Kalinda even more so. However, it was the fact that he did not demand a favour that concerned her.

There was something slightly uneasy about the situation and it was not because he wanted a date. He was too naive to request the date in return for delivering the note to her. He had asked her if she _wanted_ a date; he had given her a choice. If she had accepted she would not have been doing him a favour. There were no strings attached, no ulterior motives, and no coercion. Well, there would be strings and motives, but not the kind she was used to dealing with in her line of work. It was all very above board. In his mind he had done something nice for her, so he figured she might have softened towards him and he simply took advantage of the opportunity.

The testimony of the security guard would almost certainly clear their client. Kalinda did wonder how Zach had guessed he was gay. Through the grapevine she had heard about Peter's rage when he had been made aware of the guard seeing the woman entering the building. She wondered what he would do if he knew his son had a crush on her. Pop a blood vessel, most likely. He had made it so difficult to regard him as anything other than a cartoon villain.

It was still cold, but at least it was not raining as it had done for the past three days. The sky was coloured a dreary grey and that morning as she had entered Lockhart/Gardner/Gold the wind had whipped her hair around her face. Lunchtime a long time ago would have meant that she had half an hour to chat with Alicia, but those days were over. There was a restaurant close to the firm that she now regularly went to. Immediately when she left the building the wind undid her hair from the tight clip that had been holding it. She brushed the strands behind her ears. That was when she noticed Zach. The collar of his coat was turned upwards and he was huddled against the building to protect himself from the wind.

'Are you following me?' she asked with a slightly raised voice to make herself heard. His face lit up when he saw her, but the question extinguished this light at once. He offered her a spot next to him, but she declined.

'Actually, I came to have lunch with my mother, but I can see why you would think that. I have to confess I was hoping to run into you.'

'Were you now?'

'Yes, I wanted to apologise for last week.'

Kalinda looked around to see if anyone she knew could see her talking to him. The streets were crowded and she doubted anyone would notice the two of them. It was true that he had been a nuisance, but she could not remember anything he had said or done that would require an apology. If anyone needed to apologise it was probably her, with her patronising and snide comments. She resented the feeling that she should, because although she was not unused to apologising, she rarely did. An apology implied either a social necessity to do so or a close relationship that could not survive without it. Luckily, she was intelligent enough to not cross the line - when anyone was looking - when she was committing work-related offenses. Since she had no friends nowadays, she simply did not feel the need to apologise to people she privately insulted, because she did not care about the person whom she had hurt or wronged.

'I want to apologise for a number of things. For presuming to know anything about you. For the staring and bothering you. For the rude parting remark. Oh, and I'm sorry I left you there. The gentlemanly thing to do would have been to walk you home or to your car; to make sure you got to wherever you were going safely,' he summed up and he was ticking the apologies off on his fingers.

Kalinda looked him up and down again. Lank; that was the word for him. Not the type to ward off criminals. Her handgun would do that job just fine. She preferred that method anyway. It meant that what needed to be done was done by her. It meant keeping herself safe and being in control. It was the opposite of depending on someone else to fight her battles. Honestly, the thought of him protecting her from evil was laughable and this must have shown on her face.

'That was ridiculous, wasn't it? You don't need someone to take you home safely, least of all me,' he said and chuckled. You've got that right, she wanted to say, but she was in a good mood. An exceptionally kind and generous mood, so she said nothing. As it was she was already unsure of why she was standing there talking to him and not in the restaurant ordering her lunch. She glanced at her wristwatch; a gesture Zach interpreted correctly to mean that she was leaving.

'I know you think of me as a boy…'

'That would be because you are a boy,' she interrupted. Her good mood was dissipating swiftly. It was time she changed tactics. Every time she refrained from deliberately insulting him he somehow took that as a sign to jump in with another silly attempt to woo her.

'Let's put it like this. Last night I was throwing out some bathwater, as one does, and I was afraid I had thrown you out with it,' she baldly stated. Impatiently, she glanced at her watch again.

'That's not funny,' he protested, but he smiled nonetheless. Perhaps it was funny and perhaps it wasn't. That was entirely beside the point. Zach got the message. He was not for her. She was not for him. To put a stop to it permanently, she rubbed it in a little more.

'Not even a little bit? Strange, I thought it was,' Kalinda asked innocently. This whole episode was such a drag. Nothing was ever going to happen between them for so many reasons. It seemed a supreme waste of her time to be gentle when being harsh worked faster and better. Where was Alicia anyway? If Zach had been telling the truth about them having lunch together, which she felt was the truth, yet still doubted, Alicia should be appearing any moment. She peered into the lobby and saw her exit the elevator. Zach barely acknowledged Kalinda when she said goodbye, but something occurred to her that she had been wondering about.

'How did you know the guard was gay?'

Zach pushed himself away from the wall and the motion was surprisingly graceful. He was mysteriously not one of those gangly adolescent boys; all arms and legs flapping around. Their limbs often seemed alien to them and they never knew where to put them, which resulted in an awkwardness that was sometimes endearing and mostly annoying. The real mystery was why he was interested in her at all. Sure, she knew she possessed certain qualities, but girls must be falling all over him.

'He didn't tell you what you wanted to hear,' he simply said. Kalinda swivelled round to obscure her face as he made his way over to the entrance of the building to meet Alicia. He might as well have said that because the guard didn't instantly fall in love with her that must mean he was gay. Nothing could be further from the truth. During her PI work she had encountered many men who were immune to her charms and decidedly not gay. They did not like throaty voices or leather skirts or picked up on the fact that her charms were feigned. It was impossible to suit everybody, but evidently Zach thought she could.

Probably because he found it hard to believe that someone would not became enamoured of her, because with him it had happened so easily and quickly. Kalinda was just guessing, but she was afraid his crush had endured her barbed criticism. Next time she saw him she would have to be merciless to dispel any lingering doubts he may have. The throwing out the baby with the bathwater expression had been stupid and insufficient. Yes, in the idiom Zach was the baby, but he was also something good, something essential. Talk about sending the wrong message.


	4. You're so foxy

**Chapter ****4: You're so foxy**

The following Friday Kalinda received a postcard at work. The front was white and empty, but on the back the words _You're so foxy_ were scrawled. Though it was not signed it could only be from Zach. No one else would send her postcards, let alone with the daft phrase he had added. I mean, she thought, foxy? Who said that? That was something people said in the seventies and even then most people would have ridiculed it. She smiled wryly as she pictured him agonising over what to write before he decided on that. Now he was probably regretting his choice of words. As he should be.

She put the card into the waste basket. On second thought, she took it out again and shredded it. Alicia could have seen it and recognised the handwriting. Then she returned to her work. In the afternoon she stood in the back of the conference room while Will and Alicia questioned a small time dealer. The guy was a walking stereotype. He had the obligatory bling, the expensive and flashy designer clothes. Every other word he spoke was either 'ya know' or 'bro' and he did his best to look menacing, but wound up looking like an idiot. It was difficult to see from where she was standing, but she thought he might even have a golden tooth. His attorney was not thrilled that he was talking and kept advising him to keep quiet, but the crook ignored him completely.

After the criminal and his useless attorney had gone, Alicia started to sort out the files and notes in front of her. Will turned off the camera and told Kalinda to see whether she could find any of the dealer's known associates and hear what they had to say about him. She nodded, flipped shut her notepad and walked around the table. As she was about to leave the room the postcard suddenly popped into her mind and she smiled.

'What are you smiling about?' Will asked and Alicia looked up from her notes. Her gaze was disinterested, yet she did not return to what she had been doing and remained calmly staring at Kalinda. It was no shock to her that Alicia couldn't care less whether she was happy or unhappy and why. What was a bit undesirable was the pang Kalinda experienced in the face of her former friend's disregard.

So, here she was thinking about a meaningless postcard and feeling guilty. Would she have felt like this if another colleague had a son who was courting her in the most juvenile manner? She didn't think she would. In a fucked up way she still considered herself Alicia's friend.

'The golden tooth. It was so classy,' Kalinda said and Wills smirked. All Alicia did was allow her lips to form a smile briefly and then she busied herself with the papers again. A bit shaken Kalinda left the room. For the rest of the day she felt out of sorts.

(***)

That night she was seated in a boot. Usually she sat at the bar, but she was not in the mood for men walking up to her and trying out their pickup lines on her. From her seat she could see people come in, but if she leaned back she was invisible from all but one or two places in the bar. On the table in front of her was a shot of tequila. The minute she had ordered it she had known she wouldn't drink it. She wasn't in a tequila drinking mood. It was a drink reserved for when she was out with a friend, which never happened nowadays or for cheering herself up. While she did need cheering she sort of didn't want to be cheered up. Her gloomy mood suited her for now. She saw Zach as he walked in. Her sigh was so loud that several people turned their heads and Zach spotted her and approached. He was forever popping up at the most inopportune moments. Even in her mind.

'I'm here to have lunch with Alicia,' he said. Realising he was joking she smiled at him, which he took as an invitation. As he slid into the boot too, she chastised herself for encouraging him.

'Ok, I heard you sometimes come here, but this is the first time I've arranged a meeting, I swear,' he admitted. She asked him about the night of Alicia's promotion party, but he claimed to have been wandering around the city and happened to see her talking to the guard. It was an implausible story, yet she was inclined to believe him. Perhaps she was underestimating him. Like everyone he possessed the capacity to lie and he would have used it before. There was just an inkling of a feeling that told her he would not be very good at lying and that he would not lie to her. Why was that? Men lied to women all the time, especially when they were attracted to them.

'I shredded your postcard,' she said. For a moment he looked puzzled. His right foot tapped against the table leg involuntarily.

'What postcard? Why did you think it was mine? What did it say?'

Kalinda appraised him over the table. His blue eyes betrayed nothing. If he had not sent it, then who had? It had been callous of her to assume he had been the sender. Now she had been feeling slightly rueful for no reason whatsoever.

'It wasn't signed. It read 'you're so foxy',' she whispered and he flushed in embarrassment.

'You thought I would send that to you? That is like something straight out of Starsky and Hutch. Why did you shred it?' he asked. Apparently, he had really not been the one to send it. The fact that she thought he could have done it humiliated him, which was plain to see.

'Since I thought it was yours I thought Alicia might recognise the handwriting.'

'Kalinda, if I send you a postcard I would sign it. It would not be so lame and it would not be sent to your work. The last thing I would want to do is cause trouble for you at work,' he said. His casual use of her first name felt wrong. She felt that if he should call her anything he should call her Ms Sharma. He asked whether he could get her anything; she refused. After he excused himself to get a drink she eyed her shot of tequila. As he returned she remembered something she should have remembered sooner.

'Are you even allowed in a bar?' she asked. Her voice was hushed. As much as he did not want to cause trouble for her, she did not want to cause him trouble either. Alicia would find out he had been in a bar. With her. It was exhausting how it always came back to that: Alicia. Plus, Kalinda liked him.

'Probably not,' Zach answered, 'but I'm only having a coke.'

He added that sometimes it came in handy that he did not look his age. The tension she had felt at the promotion party was gone. Not a tension between them, but the feeling of unrest that his fixation on her had created. His gaze was sweeping over the other people in the bar until they came to rest on her shot glass. As he drank his coke he seemed perfectly contend to be quiet. Perhaps she had been wrong. It appeared he had given up attempting to seduce her and as a result she felt at ease. Searching for a neutral topic, she asked him what courses he was taking. Leaning forward slightly, he confessed his main course was economics.

'Not politics or the law,' Kalinda said.

'No.'

'You don't want to follow in the footsteps of your parents?' she asked. Sometimes she hardly understood herself. It was as if she couldn't consent to being comfortable. Peter _and_ Alicia needed to be brought into the conversation. Because sitting there in a bar where colleagues of hers regularly came, talking to someone not of legal drinking age was not complicated enough.

'No. Once I did consider both and I think I could be good at that, but I don't want to be the kind of person who is good at that,' Zach told her and paused briefly before continuing, 'That was arrogant and insulting; all in one sentence. I'm sorry. It seems I'm always apologising to you.'

'There's nothing wrong with being confident and knowing what you want, or don't want,' she assured him. Her left hand closed around the shot glass and she downed the tequila in one go. It was more a night for slowly sipping at a tumbler of scotch or whisky, but it would not do to engage in heavy drinking in front of Zach. Lately, a lot of things wouldn't do.

'It's just that I see how my mother struggles with it. She loves her job, yet she feels she is often not on the right side. It is hard for her. And my father, well, he has fewer issues with it, but he is... ethically challenged,' Zach explained, trying to find the right words to describe Peter. She burst out laughing and clasped her hand in front of her mouth. Her face fell when she considered the irony of him telling her his father was naturally dishonest.

'Are you...' he began, but he hesitated. Instead of finishing the question he drank the last of his drink and left it to her to guess what he had meant.

'Ethically challenged? Yes, I am,' she responded. Regardless of the pitfalls he was unaware of, such as her being one of his father's indiscretions, she was astonished when she realised she was actually enjoying the conversation. That was not something Kalinda usually did. Conversations were mostly necessary to glean information and often they were structured more as interrogations than as talks. It momentarily confused her, until she stood up and announced she was going. Despite her protests he got up too and after retrieving an umbrella from the foyer he joined her outside.

A soft drizzle was falling. It did not bother her too much. In a sense it was refreshing. He had an umbrella that he was in the process of opening. She was not in any danger of getting soaked. What happened next was not the logical thing to do. She knew it wasn't. Yet, she asked.

'Want to walk me home safely?'

He responded by pretending to chop an assailant in half. It was a quasi-karate move and it made her laugh again. Kalinda had taken self defence classes a long time ago, but she didn't like the principle of self defence. The first thing you learned was helpful. Do not scream for help when you're attacked, because people are bastards and won't help. It was the idea behind the second lesson that rankled. Self defence was based on temporarily incapacitating your attacker so you could run away. Kalinda saw the sense in that, but nevertheless felt fleeing betrayed weakness. Furthermore, she could never be satisfied by simply incapacitating the idiot who attacked her. She wanted to hurt him and preferably permanently.

It wasn't until afterwards that she realised she had made a conscious decision at that point. Sex didn't just happen. Two adults _decided_ it would happen. At the time it had merely been easier not to think about it. To pretend something else had acted. However, they both knew what her question meant. It was the first step and, against all odds, she had been the one to make it. After that, asking him to come up to her apartment was only one of many little steps and mistakes that followed.


	5. Don't speak

**Chapter ****5: Don't speak**

The walk to her apartment took them ten minutes. They were silent throughout. Kalinda's mind, however, would not keep quiet. Thoughts were tumbling over one another. If someone had asked her why Zach was walking her home she would have been hard pressed to come up with an explanation. If, on the other hand, someone had asked for a reason she would have been able to provide one: attraction. It was a reason, but not an explanation. After all, she intended to sleep with him and she didn't sleep with everyone whom she found attractive. She had never tried to sleep with Eli, though she admired him and his sex appeal was not lost on her. Neither would she sleep with Will or Diana, if she had regarded them in that manner. They were her bosses and thus not viable lovers.

Outside the bar Zach had closed his umbrella again when he saw she enjoyed the rain. She could not claim to have accepted his company for the sake of the umbrella. It would have been a feat to get thoroughly soaked anyway; the rain was hardly pouring down. It would have required a minimum of an hour outside to let this drizzle seep through her clothes. Neither was she drunk. How could she be after only one shot of tequila?

As much as she wanted to pretend that thinking had not been a part of it, it had. She had asked herself what she was doing and why. Second after second followed during which she could have said something or done something to stop what was about to happen. Her life was on the verge of turning into a soap opera. A lifetime ago she had slept with Peter and now she would sleep with his son, but the situation could not be more different. The sex with Peter had been a business transaction; he wanted to sleep with her, she wanted another identity. Suddenly, Kalinda found herself assuming things about Zach. For example, despite him being almost a complete stranger to her she could not imagine sex ever being an impersonal exchange to him.

'Walk me to my door?'

At her suggestion he smiled brightly and held the door open for her. It made her feel horrible. Around him she felt ridiculous and ashamed and horrible and it wasn't his fault. She knew it was completely unintentional on his part. The things he did do on purpose were intended to make her laugh and to make her feel comfortable and he succeeded marvellously in that.

In the elevator they stood apart as if they weren't together. Zach gestured for her to exit first and he followed her to the door. She got the key out of her pocket and opened the door. Adorably, he said goodnight and it was obvious he allowed for the possibility that he had misread the signs. If she had said goodnight in return he would have turned around and that would have been the end of it.

Instead she opened the door and lingered in the doorway. An endless moment stretched out before them. It was the sort of moment Kalinda abhorred. The awkward moment before the first kiss where both tried to gauge whether the other person wanted to be kissed. These moments had not been a part of Kalinda's life, not even when she was a teenager. She had always thought it was best to be direct. Since she knew what she wanted she said what she wanted or she took what she wanted. It prevented misunderstandings.

Realisation dawned on his face as she waited. Even then he took his time setting the umbrella down and leaning in very slowly to give her every opportunity to stop him. Somehow she couldn't stop him. The truth was she that didn't _want_ to. His lips were soft, almost like a woman's. He cupped her face and gently pressed his lips firmly to hers. It wasn't long before his hands slipped to her waist and he drew her closer. The tenderness was starting to upset her and so was the fact that they were still standing in the doorway.

Roughly, she pulled him inside by the lapels of his coat and kicked the door shut with her boot. Zach seemed ready to resume his slow kissing, but Kalinda quickly helped him out of his coat and pushed him against the door. When she peeled off his sweater she was pleased to discover that underneath he was surprisingly muscular. Lean and fit. His skin was very pale and the slightest touch caused it to flush pink. Her mouth found his again and he moaned as she began to unbuckle his belt. He caught her hands and held them back.

'Kalinda...' he breathed.

'Shh. Call me Leela,' she whispered in his ear and she licked the lobe. This almost brought it all back. She had been Leela with his father. His father had made Leela disappear. Alicia was no longer her friend, because of Leela. Zach's fingers were still curled around her wrists, but she was standing so close that she could feel the tight bulge in his trousers forming against her hip. That forced her back into the moment.

'Why?' he asked. The single word was fraught with meaning. Why me? Why now? What has changed? Why are you making sure I cannot kiss you the way I want to kiss you? Why can't I tell you how I feel? Why can't I say your name? Why must I call you Leela? It was easier to imagine he meant only one thing, so that was that she did.

'Because I tell you to.'

Deliberately, she rubbed her hip lazily against the impressive bulge, which caused him to moan again. Leaning back, he let go off her wrists and Kalinda undid his belt. She threw it aside and unzipped his trousers while looking into his eyes. When he understood that it was her intention to fuck in the exact same spot they were standing he shook his head almost imperceptibly. He pushed her away, forcibly but not unkindly. He surveyed her apartment as if he were not half naked and took her hand. The feeling of her hand in his in that moment felt somehow more intimate than when they had been pressed against each other seconds ago.

They walked to her bedroom, with her leading, despite her aims to keep their encounter quick and raw and out of the bedroom. She would have preferred to have sex standing up against the door, so she could discard him easily afterwards. As he motioned for her to sit down on the bed though, she thought this might be fun too. It would have been highly enjoyable to demand he undress, as well as adding to her necessity to be in control, but there was no need. At his own pace he started to take off his remaining clothes.

First his left shoe, then his right shoe. After that he tugged at his socks. It was interesting to watch him. His balance on one leg was admirable and she could not detect one shred of self consciousness in him, though he occasionally looked at her and was aware she was following his every move. Without a blush he stepped out of his trousers and pulled down his boxers. Zach was not shy about his body – nor should he be – or if he was he hid it pretty well.

Sitting on the bed, she unzipped her boots and took them off. He seemed suddenly even taller as she approached him on bare feet. Her hands immediately reached out, but he redirected them to his neck and gathered her to him. Their kisses were feverish as her hands wandered down. He was so responsive to her touches that she briefly entertained the terrible notion that he might still be a virgin. That would hardly have been possible unless every girl in Chicago was either blind or immune to his charms. Then his strong hands slipped under her top and he proceeded to expertly unclasp her bra and the thought of his inexperience vanished. His fingers were long and slender and they stroked her back in the most delicious manner.

As he took off her clothes he insisted on draping them carefully over the nearest chair, instead of just leaving them strewn everywhere as she would have done. When they were both naked he sighed with pleasure as if he couldn't believe his luck. His face expressed better than any words could have done how beautiful he thought she was. She caught his hand and guided him towards the bed. Again she waited. He took her into his arms and laid her down. His lips explored her neck and the warm kisses flooded her with desire. Her body betrayed her as she gasped and trembled under his tongue. From that moment onwards she truly ceased thinking.

(***)

Afterwards, instead of sending him away as she would have done with almost any other casual lover, she relished the feel of him lying next to her. His right arm was around her and her naked shoulder brushed against his chest. Their skin was hot and sweaty. Zach's presence inspired contradictory emotions in her, mostly because she knew herself. Had he known her he would have been aware that the two of them could only end. This wasn't the beginning of anything. He had been honest to her and she had attempted to be as truthful as possible in return. Now, however, by sleeping with him she had lied to him. When they met it would have been better to shake his hand and say, 'I'm about to screw you over.' At least that would have been honest.


	6. Happy now?

**Chapter ****6: Happy now?**

The next morning Kalinda was startled to discover Zach had slept over. However, he was looking at her through his long eyelashes, so she masked her surprise with a lazy yawn. They were both covered by her thick Egyptian cotton sheets. She didn't even remember slipping under the covers, which meant he must have tucked her in. Her exasperation over the whole situation was getting worse by the second. The sex had been good; he was obviously experienced, la-di-fucking-da.

Last night, he had railroaded her every step of the way. She had wanted to fuck against the door. That sent a message that was crystal clear: this is just lust and absolutely nothing more. Instead he had taken her hand and they had sex in the bedroom. She had wanted to be in control, to tell him what to do, but he never gave her the chance. She had told him to call her Leela. Now she knew why. To cheapen what they were about to do. To make her think of Peter and Alicia and what she had done. However, for the remainder of the night he had not called her by any name.

Now in the morning, he was still there, staring at her. It was imperative that she told him exactly what last night meant: nothing. There were things she needed to feel at that moment, but she couldn't summon them. When Zach looked at her like that it was impossible to feel removed or clinical. Instead she found herself wondering about morning wood. Didn't men his age have this? This is the part where I giggle, she thought, and then I can sink no lower. What had she done?

'Why did I have to call you Leela?' he asked. His hands were shaped like pianist's hands; they were graceful and almost delicate. Again, like his lips, they reminded her of a woman. His fingers stroked her arm. They were very pale against her brown skin. She shook them off, despite the fact that she liked it when he touched her.

'I told you,' she snapped. Why couldn't he listen? Every word out of her mouth had been a rejection; yet, he had kept coming back for more, until he had worn her down. That was bullshit and she knew it was. Angrily, she threw off the sheets and started to dress.

'No, I mean, why _that_ name? Why Leela?'

As she buttoned her blouse, she turned towards the bed. She cocked her head and looked at him. Maybe a glimpse was in order. Either because he deserved it, or because he needed to be scared away; Kalinda couldn't decide what was the reason. It was clear that he needed to know more about her, so he would understand that whatever he had in mind for the two of them wasn't going to happen. Still, she felt very uncomfortable disclosing personal information, no matter how vague.

'Because she is the kind of person, who would do this,' she answered coldly. Well, that was very convenient. Kalinda had not slept with Zach, Leela had. Leela was always making mistakes like that, because she had so very little control over her own life. Leela was pathetic; Kalinda despised Leela. Zach regarded her and she could almost imagine he understood what she meant. Ridiculous, she told herself, as she put on her skirt.

'What is this? Sleeping with me? Falling in love with me?' Zach queried, but Kalinda didn't dignify that question with an answer. Using him, instead of making her feel better, had only made her feel worse. Suddenly she wanted to tell him what she had done. Why Alicia and she were no longer friends. That she was the reason his mother and father were not together anymore. That she had slept with his father. Except she wouldn't be PG about it: she would say she had fucked Peter. She imagined asking him whether he still liked her now that he really knew her. But then she looked at his face and she simply couldn't. But this couldn't continue either. She was hurting him and herself and if this got out a lot more people would be hurt.

'You're trying to make this into something it's not,' she said as she retrieved her boots. He reached out for her and she let him take her hand. His thumb traced circles across her palm.

'It could be.'

'But I don't want it to,' she answered and she extricated her hand from his grip. The sad look in his eyes was like that of a puppy. Strangely, Kalinda discovered the look affected her. As a sort of parting gift, she kneeled beside the bed and slipped her left hand under the sheets, but he grabbed her wrist.

'No,' he said. Instead of listening and respecting his opinion, Kalinda smiled sexily and tried to slide her left hand towards him. Without hesitation he grabbed her other wrist too. His face was flushed, but not in embarrassment. He looked insulted. Good, she thought, be angry. Hate me. The force of his fingers was painful, but Kalinda remained inscrutable.

'I said no. Not like that,' he repeated and he looked into her eyes. They were interrupted by a knock on the door. She closed the door of the bedroom, before answering the door. It was Cary. It took some restraint but she resisted the urge to step into the hallway and close the door of the apartment behind her. That would arouse his suspicion and she didn't want Cary digging into her personal life.

'Mr. Agos. To what do I owe this honour?' she said and he chuckled. The boyish and mischievous charm was still there, despite him being over thirty. He looked almost exactly the same as when she had last seen him. That must have been at least three years ago. He picked up something and handed it to her. With a shock she identified Zach's umbrella, but she accepted the umbrella without batting an eye and deposited it on the side table just inside her apartment.

'It's Mr. Agos now, is it? If you're free, would you like to have lunch with me this afternoon?' he asked. She was unsure whether Zach would wait until her visitor had left before showing himself. Otherwise he could come out of the bedroom at any moment. Contrary to Cary, Zach _had_ changed; he was a far cry from the boy he had been. The question was: would Cary recognise him? Kalinda decided she couldn't take that chance, so she quickly acquiesced to meet him for lunch before telling him she needed to get ready for another appointment.

'Is the coast clear?' Zach asked from the bedroom when she closed the door. She answered and he emerged, fully dressed, into the living room. There were no signs to detect to establish how he felt about being kept hidden like a dirty, little secret. As he approached her she flashed back to how she had practically torn off his sweater the night before. He paused in front of her and seemed about to say something.

'Are you happy now?' he whispered. Instead of waiting for her answer he took his umbrella and his coat and left. Neither said goodbye.

(***)

During lunch Cary explained that he might move back to Chicago, because Wendy Scott-Carr had asked him to come and work for the State's Attorney Office again. He had decided that if she won the election he would accept her offer.

'I really enjoyed working there, even when Peter was in charge, and I respect Wendy. She'll be better for the county than Glenn or Peter were,' Cary told her, before adding with a self-deprecating smile, 'I'm sure my illusions about her won't stay intact for long.'

Kalinda smiled, but her smile was undefined and her thoughts were elsewhere. She failed to notice the hurt flash across his face as he observed her. In an effort to gain her attention he asked her whether she had received his postcard. That did the trick.

'That was yours?' Kalinda asked and she couldn't keep the amazement out of her voice. Cary grinned and nodded.

'Yes. Did it surprise you?'

'The wording did,' she admitted honestly.

'Ah, what an accomplishment. I must be the first person ever to surprise Kalinda Sharma,' Cary joked and he explained he had only realised afterwards that he had neglected to sign it. After confessing that he had wanted to bring a smile to her face with the postcard, which Kalinda assured him he had done, he regaled her with tales of big cases he had won for his soon-to-be former firm. Her concentration started to wane again.

In the last few weeks she had surprised herself. Zach had surprised her. She shook her head and masked the movement with a cough when Cary looked at her in confusion. Urging him to continue his description of a biased judge, she kept her features neutral. It was pointless to wonder whether she had developed feelings for Zach. It was irrelevant. She could not date an eighteen year old. She could not date Alicia's son. He was supposed to have been just a bit of fun: a little something refreshing.

She knew she would encounter Zach again. Alicia was in her professional life after all. That was why she couldn't care. She couldn't afford to pretend to care, even if she might just want him. Even if she did care. Was she happy now? No.

The end.


End file.
